Bleach: Songs of DOOM
by pheonixflamechimera78
Summary: Random Bleach characters release their tension and hatred...in song! Third: Kisuke's 12th Division Song of DOOM.
1. The Matsumoto Song of DOOM

Hi. This is Meow and Mango, who don't own Bleach or "Clementine", presenting:

Hitsugaya's Matsumoto Song of DOOM

To the tune of "Clementine". The words aren't a perfect fit, but use your imagination.

Not written for the love of language, but rather for entertainment, so if it's crappy writing, ignore it.

~*~~*~~*~~*~

"Oh Taichou, I'm going to be drinking with Kira and Hisagi in the next room, so there might be some yelling, and we'll probably be hung-over, so I'll be on the couch all tomorrow to sleep it off. Also, please do my paperwork while I enjoy myself and submerge in alcoholic bless. Toodle-doo!" said Matsumoto, closing the door behind her.

Hitsugaya mumbled something inaudible that sounded kind of like this:

"thatjerkmumblemumblemumblemakesmedopaperworkmumblemumblemumbleherandherdangboobsmumblemumblemumble-cantbreathemumblemumblejerkmumblemymothermumbleyoucanmakeasongwiththatmumblemumblemumble…"

And then, you could practically see a light bulb appear above his head. You could also practically hear his mind snap.

"I've got it!

Matsumoto, Matsumoto!

She's really annoying.

She drinks a lot, and she sleeps a lot,

And she never does any dang work!

Oh how I wish I could trade her for someone like Nanao,

But I can't, cause she's assigned,

So I'm stuck with her now.

I'm sick and tired, sick and tired, of being smothered!

She's bossy, and a jerk,

And she acts like MY MOTHER!!!"

Poor Ichigo happened to be at the door at that moment. "We were going to invite you to go bowling, but we can see that you're…busy."

Kira and Hisagi were so shocked, they dropped their sake bottles.

And this is what Matsumoto had to say: "Wow, Taichou, you're good at singing! But who made the words…? They're awesome!" (A.N. Thank you, thank you very much.)

Everyone: *stares*

Hitsugaya: MY MIND HAS FREAKING SNAPPED AND I'M ONLY A HUNDRED YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S RAINING TABASCO PIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone: *stares some more*

Ichigo: Is it just me, or has the room gotten cold?

~*~~*~~*~~*~

This has been Meow and Mango, presenting Hitsugaya's Matsumoto Song of DOOM.

And we might add more songs. Yeah. Peace.

And please review. But we won't cram it down your throat if you don't.


	2. The Grimmjow Song of DOOM ulquirant

Once more, Meow (just me this time) presenting Songs of DOOM.

I don't own Bleach or "Clementine."

And this time, it's Ulquiorra's Grimmjow Song of DOOM.

Originally Mango's idea (most of these are), but I decided to extend it.

Anyway…here it is. Again, to "Clementine." Cause it's an easy song to fit random words to.

~*~*~*~*~*~

**BOOM.**

**CRASH.**

"**YOU *BLEEP*ING *BLEEP*ERS *BLEEP*ING BROKE THE *BLEEP*ING HD FLAT AGAIN!" **came Grimmjow's voice from somewhere down the hall.

Ulquiorra was fed up now. He had endured enough of this.

_Don't you think ten hours is quite enough?_ He wrote in his black leather-bound notebook.

The fourth espada stuck his head out the door and in the chaotic hallway, and was promptly smacked in the head with what appeared to be a half-eaten burrito dunked in tea.

With guacamole dripping down his face, he called, "Do you mind? I am trying to put my deepest feelings into beautiful words onto paper here."

"**JUST BECAUSE YOU *BLEEP*ING WRITE *BLEEP*ING EMO POETRY, DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN'T *BLEEP*ING DO WHAT WE *BLEEP*ING WANT!"**

Operation Intelligent Approach = Failed.

Ulquiorra withdrew his partially green head and sat down at his chair, not even bothering to clean off his face. He found a pair of black earplugs (everything in his room was black, of course) and stuck them inside his ears. And our favorite emo in Bleach began to write a song from his "deepest feelings".

_I'm really tired of being yelled at_

_By that worthless piece of trash!_

_He gives me headaches,_

_High fevers, and a really bad rash. _(A/N: Wow. Who knew he was allergic to cats?)

_It doesn't help that I have a hole_

_In the middle of my neck._

_I just wish that, really wish that, Grimmjow would go to heck._

_And what's with all those stories_

_On this "fanfiction. net"?_

_I am emo, I admit it,_

_But I'm quite sure I'm het._

_Good bye, Diary. I shall see you again tomorrow._

"So it _was_ a diary," said Grimmjow over Ulquiorra's shoulder.

Then, he promptly went out into the hall and bellowed, **"*BLEEP*ING PAY UP, *BLEEP*S!!!!! BWAHAHAHA!!!! I'M RICH!!!!!!"**

~*~*~*~*~*~

Review if you liked please! But like I said, no consequences if you don't feel like it. _I_ sure as hell don't a lot of the time.


	3. AN: Meow is Sorry

**I'm sorry if I offended anybody in the last chapter. It's just that I think of Ulquiorra as het. So if I offended any people, including, but not limited to, homosexuals, bisexuals, or yaoi fangirls, I'm sorry.**

**Also, I'm sorry that we didn't update today. *sniff***

**And it's all Meow's fault, so don't blame Mango. *sniff whimper***

**I'M SORRY, IT JUST BUGGED ME ALL THE STINKING DAY TODAY!!!!! So I felt I should apologize.**

**K, bye for now.**

**-Meow**


	4. The 12th Division Song of DOOM

**So, once again, Meow and Mango do not own Bleach or "Clementine".**

**Because we didn't update for a couple of days, this one is extra long, even the story.**

**Set in a parallel of the Turn Back the Pendulum Arc. That's why most of the people are OOC.**

**Enjoy!**

**~!#$%^&*() (That's just our new line break. We are not cussing at you.)**

It was a typical date between Yoruichi and Urahara. Basically, they were in a room in the twelfth division barracks, passionately making out. They were just about to go a bit _further_ than that when they were rather rudely interrupted by noise from the next room.

"MA COLD PIZZA!!!!!"

"NO, YOU HAD DA CEREAL, YA JERK!!!"

"GIMME BACK MA CHICKEN, LOSERS!!!!"

"LEGGO MY HAIR!!"

"THEN STOP PULLING MINE!!!!!"

"GUYS, STOP STEPPING ON THE DONUTS!!!!!!! THE COPS'LL GET MAD!!!!"

Some idiot (Urahara didn't want to know which) threw open the door and let in all of the workers from the lab.

"TAICHOU, MAKE HIM ST-"

"…"

"Wh…what are you…doing?"

"…What does it look like?!"

"Uh…you're trying to…scratch Lady Yoruichi's back?"

"……………………………………………………NO, YOU IDIOTS, GET OUT OF HERE!!!"

And the aforementioned idiots promptly ran away.

Urahara's eye twitched. He couldn't hold it in anymore. Pent up frustration was going to erupt, so he politely warned Yoruichi to leave.

Yoruichi's response: "Oh no. This is going to be good." And she took out her video camera, ready to film.

And then Kisuke lost control, his rage reaching the high heavens as he burst into song.

_My division, my division,_

_What a bunch of stupid jerks!_

_They're clumsy, and they're morons,_

_And they come with no perks._

_They break stuff, and they used up_

_All the funds for the lab._

_So now we're flat broke,_

_And I can't even _

_Afford a stupid cab._

_One's a monkey, one's psychotic,_

_One has horns on his head. _

_One's a worm, one has a topknot,*_

_And I wish they were all dead._

_One kicked me in the crotch,_

_I had to break one out of jail._

_One's useless, 'cept his horns,_

_So I make him open mail._

_One's real ugly, and he's green,_

_And we have a sugar nut_

_Now I'm sorely, sorely tempted_

_To kick all of their butts._

_And I can't even make out with_

_My own girlfriend!_

_I just wish that their worthless lives_

_Would come to an end._

_So maybe I abuse them, so what?_

_They should suck it up._

_That's just what they get for being_

_Stupid and corrupt._

_They fight over all the food_

_That I ever give them._

_Be it cold pizza, dry cereal, _

_Or moldy chicken._

_But now I think they want revenge_

_I heard something about a cop._

_So I'll run away to the Real World_

_And open an illegal shop. **_

Yoruichi smirked. This was pure _gold_.

**~!#$%^&*()**

*** Guess who we're talking about! Anyone who gets three or more right gets to suggest a theme for a song! And anyone who gets all five right gets The Legendary Cookie and the privilege of suggesting two new songs! And all suggestions will be used eventually, so be patient!**

**** That sells candy.**

**Thanks to all the reviewers!!!!! You make us feel all sunny inside. :D So you get cookies and cake baked by our internal sunnyness. **

**Mango would just like to clarify that she is not just the bumbling sidekick in these stories and our account. She is in fact the mastermind behind these songs of DOOM and pretty much any other story we write, unless Meow has stated that it is a Meow Original. **

**Meow Originals are probably less worth reading, but you might enjoy them anyway. **

**But as of now, this is our only story. So please respect Mango, or she will instruct her kindred to hurl themselves at you. So unless you wish to be pelted by mangoes with minds of their own, please give full credit to and respect Mango. **

**If you respect Mango, please review.**


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